In my inbox today . . .

God is sitting in heaven when a scientist says to Him, "Lord, we don’t need You anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing. In other words, we can now do what You did in the ‘beginning'!"

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me," replies God.

"Well,” says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of You and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's interesting. Show Me.”

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil.

"Oh, no, no, no...," interrupts God.

(I love this!) "Get your own dirt."

I'm back from KC

Now that I'm back from Kansas City, I need to jump back into my life here with both feet -- as opposed to one foot or maybe just one foot at a time, I guess. Regardless, dearest husband, bless his heart, cleaned the house and shaped up the area around my assigned place at the family work table which, believe me when I say this, I am most grateful. There was a time when I would not have been... Out in the work-a-day world (I hardly remember!), it bugged me tremendously when the receptionist would bring all the mail and school stuff in and put it on my desk. So, what I am obliquely getting to is the insidious enemy named clutter. Real or imagined, physical, emotional, spiritual, it truly is a vicious enemy. It bogs one down. It robs one of energy. It consumes one's attention as a prostitute searches for her prey. Too much? Not for me, because I too easily run, falling into the ratpack nest of comfort, content to take residence there unchallenged to remain.

So, on that note, here goes:

A Cluttered Desk Is...

About a week ago, I came across an Internet advice column that told me how to eliminate the paper work clutter on my desk.

GREAT! So I printed out the five pages of how-to instructions and placed them on top of the rest of the stuff on my desk.

Now I can't find them.

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Church Lite

I wonder how this would go at our church... I'm not looking for this anytime soon.

THE LITE CHURCH

(everything you always wanted in a church . . . and less)

7. Guaranteed 20-minute sermon or your next one's free!

6. Your choice of only 8 commandments

5. Only happy hymns and choruses

4. Fewer commitments

3. No messages on subjects that hit too close to home

2. Reclining pews with pillow pads and head rests

1. Offering followed by a complimentary beverage and after service mint

(From "Bible Humor Top Seven Lists" by Dave Veerman and Rich Anderson.

http://snipr.com/biblehumor)

What happens when you get just a teensy bit off...

Bible Stories by Kids

In case you're a little foggy on your biblical history, let our junior church students help you with this complete overview of the Bible, compiled from their essays.This is one clever rendition of the "Bible in a Nutshell"! Enjoy!......laughter is a gift from God!*

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, "The Lord thy God is one," but I think He must be a lot older than that. Anyway, God said, "Give me a light!" and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet. Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel. Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable. God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then He gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me. After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of the New Testament. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn, too, because my mom is always saying to me, "Close the door! Were you born in a barn?" It would be nice to say, "As a matter of fact, I was.") During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount. But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

A woman passed out and her husband, Bubba, called 911.

The operator said they would send someone out right away and asked, "Where do you live?"

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally, Bubba said, "How about I drag her over to Oak Street and you can meet us there?"

Life is made up of little details, isn't it...

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo.

Knowing that he could hop pretty high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. However, the next morning the kangaroo was out again, just roaming around the zoo.

The zoo officials raised the height of the fence to twenty feet. Again, however, the next morning the kangaroo was again roaming around the zoo.

This kept on, night after night, until the fence was sixty feet high.

Finally, the camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

The kangaroo said, "Probably a hundred feet, unless somebody starts locking the gate at night."

And now... (from Steffer!)

Although she doesn't know it (yet), Steffer sent this to me and I just couldn't let them go unshared. If you've had the good old "now that you're fifty" medical procedure, I think you just might laugh and relate!

Colonoscopies are no joke , but these comments during the exam were quite humorous...

A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

And the best one of all..

12. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?

Sometimes you just have to. Really.

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care.

But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different.

Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope.

Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg.

Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth.

For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste.

Moving Day

I woke up this morning hearing all the Munchkins sing, "...and KAN-sas she says is the n-a-a-a-a-me of the star..."

Dorothy may have been able to say "Well, it really was no miracle: what happened was just this..."--but from my perspective here at 6:30am Central Time, it WILL be a miracle for us to get to Kansas. :-) The day began at 6am after a fitful night's sleep; as I let the dogs out for their morning constitutional before breakfast, I didn't notice that a cute little squirrel was in the backyard nibbling on the clover that grows so avidly in the middle of what's supposed to be a lawn of bluegrass. I opened the patio door; the squirrel headed for the telephone pole in the back corner; the dogs headed for the squirrel, barking ferociously; I headed for the dogs, in my nightgown and bare feet, and added to the clamor of the dawn by trying to get them to be quiet. The neighbors would probably rate it a toss-up as to who was louder--the dogs, or me shushing them.

The movers will arrive between 8 and 10am to begin packing all our stuff into boxes; we've tried to segregate What Will Go With Us In The Car from Things To Be Packed. I have no doubt that we've only been partially successful in that endeavor and will be praying for discernment as we stand among a lot of boxes on Friday in our Fairway house and hunt for Things We Need And Should Have Had With Us.

The dogs and I will be spending much of the day at Andrea's apartment, since the alternative (our dogs with strangers coming in and out of the front door at random) isn't pleasant. Tim will oversee the proceedings at our house. This will be the first of our three moves that he will be present for, having been out of town for the last two, and in the depths of my sinful heart I am aware that I amhappy--nay, even GLEEFUL--that this time HE gets to deal with the movers, in the even more sinful hope that after this experience he will be so deeply grateful for what I have had to endure twice before that he will shower me with adulation.

(You're all thinking that I can use the time at Andrea's for reflection upon my corrupt state...and you would be SO right.)

So...that's our day. Tomorrow will be similar, except the boxes will be loaded into the van along with everything else. In 36 hours it will be Tim, me, 3 dogs, an Aerobed, 3 doggie pillows, and the aforementioned What Will Go With Us In The Car camping out for one last night at 7107 Cheshire Lane, St. Louis, MO. Thursday we drive the Yellow Brick Road known as I-70 to Fairway. Please pray for safety as we go.

To the envy of all . . .

Our Steffer, homemaker extraordinaire. This woman does it all. Dearly missed at our last posse meeting, we had to settle for Marie's pie. What a pity! In case there is any question, Steffer adds incredible insight and wit to our discussions, as well.

It's true.

Where's Joycey??

All right. I haven't seen Joycey of late. That means I'm going to pick on her. I must be feeling better. Yup, I think that's what it means . . .

So, Joycey, what are you up to, girl?

I Thought This Was Funny...

Things Mom Would Never Say

1. "How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

2. "Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

3. "Just leave all the lights on . . . it makes the house look more cheery."

4. "Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

5. "Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

6. "Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me."

7. "The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

8. "I don't have a tissue with me . . . just use your sleeve."

9. "Don't bother wearing a jacket -- the wind-chill is bound to improve."

All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Sunday School (of course!)

A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task, but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Rickey was very nervous.

When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know."

Received from Mary Rayner.

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A cheerful heart is good medicine... (Prov 17:22a)

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